Just don't touch my eye

Thursday morning I woke up with sore eyes. I staggered to the mirror and blinked at myself in disbelief, peering at the scarlet red hue of my sclera. After a quick check in the corners - no discharge of any color - and a semi-lengthy internal debate about calling for a sub, I decided to tough it out and see the doc after school.

When I arrived I sought out Mrs. Pop, knowing that if this was one of the mornings that Queen Mum dropped off Princess that she would have kittens at the sight of my ruby-red peepers. Mrs. Pop recoiled at the very sight of me and asked me to go see Mrs. Nurse.

Sidebar - Mrs. Nurse and I have a long, unhappy history with one another. She feels I send too many kids to see her, I feel it's her damn job to see them when they complain for more than an hour about a headache, stomach ache, or general "I feel yucky". In addition, one of my sons has a chronic condition that requires daily trips to Mrs. Nurse for evaluation and possible intervention and we butt heads over his care frequently.

Mrs. Nurse immediately and loudly declared "That's pinkeye! You cannot stay here today!" Trying to control my frustration I rebutted "It's not pinkeye. I've had this before. It's a viral infection, not contagious, I'll be fine until the end of the day. When I have pinkeye I weep green and yellow snot out of my eyes. No snot, no pinkeye!" Mrs. Nurse clinched her mouth like a cat's arse, and called into the office for Mrs. Pop. When Mrs. Pop arrived she once again declared I was contagious (in a tone that would have been appropriate for a plague carrier) and I must leave. Mrs. Pop hastily agreed and I decided to shut up - why argue with a bonus day off?

I had to go sit uselessly in my classroom for an hour until an emergency sub was rounded up, forbidden to touch anything or anyone. Eager Beaver, the reading director, was kind enough to step in and teach for me during morning circle, reading time, and the beginning of journals until Mrs. Yeller arrived. Mrs. Yeller - the most dreaded and always last choice sub, a sure sign that we were scraping the bottom of the sub barrel. I cornered her by my desk and gave her a quick blunt soliloquy about NOT engaging Van Gogh in a power struggle, then toddled off to rest my poor sore eyes. As I passed her office Mrs. Nurse popped out and said "You may not return without a doctor's note." I looked at her and half smiled, thinking she was surely teasing. Stonefaced she repeated "I mean it, you will not come back without a doctor's note stating that you are not contagious." What am I, five? I can't be trusted to actually go to the doctor and make sure that whatever is infecting my eyes isn't going to wreck what little sight I have left? Tinpot dictator!

I did make it to the doctor that afternoon, where he declared I have a viral infection and the only way I could pass it on to someone else was to rub my eye against their eye - not something I'm prone to doing! When I told him I needed a note clearing me to go back to work he laughed, sure I was kidding, then stared at me in disbelief. After a second the nurse interjected "Let me guess? Mrs. Nurse told you that." When I confirmed it Dr. Eye and his nurse both laughed, in that "it isn't really funny" way and after Dr. Eye left to write my note his nurse leaned over and said "Mrs. Nurse used to work for us. Let's just say she didn't leave under the best of circumstances. She's being vindictive." So I left Dr. Eye's office, clutching a letter, rx'es for 2 different kinds of eye drops, and the knowledge that I'm not the only one who finds Mrs. Nurse a PITA.

When I came into school Friday morning there was a fairly positive note from Mrs. Yeller on my desk and no cards flipped - to me, a sure sign the sub was either not paying attention or a pushover. Within minutes of my arrival Eager Beaver came in, bursting to tell me that she had stopped by my room during end-of-the-day centers to discover Mrs. Yeller sitting calmly in my rocking chair reading a mystery novel while my class ran wildly around the room, throwing things at each other and screaming. FABULOUS! Eager Beaver, knowing that I maintain a fairly tight ship, assured me she stepped in, made them clean up the mess and calm the f*ck down, all while Mrs. Yeller continued to read her book, completely ignoring everyone else in the room.

Usually if a sub leaves a good note for the class I will reward them with a point towards an extra recess. This time - I told them the good note was cancelled out by Eager Beaver's report and that I was soooooo disappointed in them. They will have an end of the day sub on Thurs. so I can take Will to the dentist - if it goes poorly there will be repercussions! I might just have to rub them with my eye!